The deepest in me

It's been quite some time I've updated here... D girlfriend's making noise bout it already cause I didn't update anything here.. Can't help it cause I don't have a pc at home...

It's been a week now... i don't know whether to say I'm still attached or just single but unavailable? I'll still liked to say I'm attached though... Although.. We're sorta according to her, officially over.. Maybe I just don't know when to call it quits she might think... Cause seriously i don't wanna quit... More like I'm not quitting.. Who knows what might happen in future as my friend says it... Still I think that why give up so fast when your not really sure that in a relationship it'll hurt more? Why should we think the negative way instead of trying to make things work? That's just my opinion anyway...

I know she tried... really tried to make things work out between us... But I am trying too... Maybe we just didn't try hard enough? Just maybe... Or maybe it's just me that's not doing anything bout it... Seriously... I don't know.. Someone told me once... never try, never know... For what will happen exactly.. you can't be too sure that it'll be hurtful but yet you can't be sure of happy endings as well... But just give it a shot.. Who knows things might work out?

2 and a half months... Solid... Never really argued nor quarrel... Both always give in to each other... I just don't understand how could all this happen anyway... I'm totally clueless... "I'm tired of you... I'm not born perfect..."

That's what she said... I just wonder how you could get tired of someone you love? Someone that you'd share your life with... Plus.. Nobody's born perfect... Not even me... Not even the king in a country... Everyone has their weaknesses... For me, to love someone, is to accept everything bout the person you love, their advantages and even their weaknesses... i never actually complain bout the weaknesses, rather I actually try to comfort saying that "you could do better", "don't give up", "try harder" and stuff like that...

*sighs*
All I can actually do now is hold on to my faith... Hold back my tears and keep my sanity in check... And just there for her whenever she needs me or a shoulder to lean on... I'll have my "wings" around her... Well... In short, I'll be there... No matter what... Whether like how we used to be or the other way round... I really hate to think of the other though... Heh... Can't help it.. I'm just not the type to give up... Everyone that knows me well enough knows that I'm really stubborn when it comes to things like this... Some would say even if a metal bar try to whack through my stubbornness, the metal bar would bent... Haha...

I wanted to settle everything clearly with her mom... 3 of us, me, her and her mom sit down and just talk bout it and hopefully get her approval over it... Cause one, i don't want her mom to worry.. Two, i don't want her to lie to her mom anymore just to see me or hang out with me... Three, I don't want her to worry anymore...

I used to feel warmness whenever she texted me... But now I just feel coldness.. Cause I'm afraid of what she might say next... As now, my mind's a total mess... Can't keep my focus on things... Whether it's work or even doing anything... Although while working I had to and I tried to... Still at night... When I'm not doing anything... It'll all start messing up again... *sigh*

Baby this is to you...
I'm sorry bout all the things I've done, I'm sorry that I'm not what u always wanted me to be... But still I want you to know, I've always tried my best... I'm sorry for sometimes making you upset and disappointed with me... Seriously I've tried... and I'm still trying... I wish you could see what's inside of me now... I wish I could see what's inside of you too... Why that all this happen so suddenly? You said you tried to tell me before but why can't we just discuss it over rather than taking drastic measures like now? You say you don't wanna hurt me more, getting back to me is cause of sympathy... You don't want to make things worst between us... I understand all that but... Why do we have to go our separate ways? There's alot of things I wanted to tell you, wanted to prove to you... That I can be better... Stop doing whatever you want me to stop... But... *sigh*
I wish I could just hug you tight right now and just tell you all of this... Of what's kept inside of me... That you haven't know... I'm still not used to not texting you, not calling you at night, not wishing good morning or good night to you, not being there for you, not seeing you...
There's so many things I wanted to let you know of how much I love you...
You may think that me doing this is trying to beg of you to change your mind and come back to me... But please... Don't hate me for this... I just wanna let you know what's kept in my mind... During this period... When you decided to go separate ways...
Baby... There's too many things I wanted to say but I just don't know how to put it in words... I wish I could show you... Let you see it with your own eyes...
I wish we can just take a break from this rather than we go our own ways... I don't know the one week period you give me and yourself to consider... That you'd consider bout this... Think of a better way to solve this than trying to make me hate you... Cause I can't... I'm not made to hate people... Nor do you...
Baby, I... Love... You...
Always have, always will...

Aite, people... I don't think I have anything else to say anymore...
Ciauz...

Entry no.014 by Gaijin Sichirou a.k.a Aaron Tay