Falling sick

I wonder what's with falling sick that it makes you think of the people you love the most? I've been sick for the 4 days and when I lie down on my bed when I'm awake... All I think was that how I wish that she would be there... Today I'm supposed to be all ok... But things have gotten worst and my body temperature hit as high as 39.2 degrees celcius... While I was there lying awake... I just wished that she's here... When I fall asleep, I thought that she was here... When I'm awake I would start feeling sad... Cause it was just a dream...

You might ask me why I'm not moving on and why I'm still stuck there... It's because I really loved you so... I tried to divert my mind... From thinking about you, but somehow... I would fail to do so... Whatever I do I always wanted you to be a part of it as well... But... Sigh... How I wish I could just turn back time sometimes...

Here's a song lyric that would always remind me of you...

Menatap indahnya senyuman diwajahmu
Membuat ku terdiam dan terpaku
Mengerti akan hadirnya cinta terindah
Saat kau peluk mesra tubuhku

Banyak kata
Yang tak mampu ku ungkapkan
Kepada dirimu

Aku ingin engkau slalu
Hadir dan temani aku
Di setiap langkah yang meyakiniku
Kau tercipta untukku
Sepanjang hidupku

Aku ingin engkau slalu
Hadir dan temani aku
Di setiap langkah yang meyakiniku
Kau tercipta untukku
Sepanjang hidupku
Meski waktu akan mampu
Memanggil sluruh ragaku
Ku ingin kau tahu
Ku slalu milikmu
Yang mencintaimu
Sepanjang hidupku

Entry no.019 by Gaijin Sichirou a.k.a Aaron Tay

Untitled

"Felt like I'm being pushed aside
Felt like everything is pointing towards me
Felt like the spotlight of humiliation, hate, avoidance, not to be accepted is on me
Felt like loneliness without my love is eating my life away slowly... Devouring me...
Felt like...
Ending this life sometimes...
Is it really worth it?
Will anyone remember me?
Will I live in someone's heart while my body dies?
Will I... Be someone to u???"

Incomplete

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you, within me I can find no rest
Where I'm going is anybody's guess

I tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I've prayed for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be , incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It's written on your face
but You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I've prayed for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be , incomplete

I don't mean to drag it on
But I can't seem to let you go
I don't wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go..........

I've try to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I've pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you what I'm going to be is, incomplete...

Incomplete....


(I don't have any idea why but I just felt like it... Maybe the words in the lyrics have some ring to it as in why...)

Entry no.018 by Aaron Tay a.k.a Gaijin Sichirou

Without you

"I can't control myself... My legs... It's as if it has it's own mind... I just kept walking and walking... And I ended up being in front of the place where it all begins..."

Hiya mateys... It's been a long while eh??? Well... Can't blame it... Can't online at home, computer's still down... Well basically I don't even have enough time for myself these days... With UCSI's Got Talent audition going on and recently... Thanks to my friend, I got dragged into the dance club and almost everyday practice, practice, practice.... My ass still hurts.. LOL...

Alright... Main point... If any still ask am I ok already after this long... No I'm not... My time have stopped since the last post... If you catch my drift... Yes... I'm not over it... Although I got no choice but to move on with my life but my heart's still stuck at that time...

Alot of people kept on telling me... Forget... But some things you just can't forget no matter how hard you tried to... Well... I'm just human anyway... And being human... I'm not perfect... I cry, I bleed like all humans do... Well... I just checked my Facebook recently... It seems that somehow my profile has been deleted of the page... I'm not even the friend anymore? Sigh... No helping then...

Aites... I should be sleeping already... The cough syrup last night is still in me and it's forcing me to sleep....

"I just wish... All I can do... Cause that's what I have left..."

Entry no. 017 by Aaron Tay a.k.a Gaijin Sichirou

Sometimes... I...

Sometimes I wish I were blind or something so that I can't see the pain in front of me.
Sometimes I wish I could be numbed of all senses so that I won't feel a thing.
Sometimes I wish my heart would just stop beating like it's gonna jump out of my rib cage anytime.
Sometimes I wish I could just shut my mind down.
Sometimes I wish that I could go back in time for just that brief moment to stop all the madness.
Sometimes I...

I only have one wish and one wish only... Nothing could change that wish I'm having now...

Well... I don't have to state the wish here... It's what most people wished for anyway...

What wouldn't I give just to have this situation to be in reversed? Reversed not as in the person but the things that is happening...

I don't know why I have this feeling... A mixture feelings of being afraid and worried at the same time... And this is me driving nuts by the moment I'm sitting here typing this out...

Every second that is ticking by in my time now felt so sluggish... So slow... It's almost to a standstill... When I thought it was already passing by so long and after I realized it... It was only so short... That what time that have passed...

I tried to block it out of my mind... Try to just ignore it... I couldn't succeed... Every time I'm alone... It'll creep back like vines coiling up the tress...

Right now as we speak... The feeling is getting stronger... The worrying and the afraid in me... It's getting strong to a point where it overwhelmed most my feelings and my judgments...

I have so many things to say... But... I just couldn't put it in words... Couldn't place it properly in order to be properly typed and be presented in an understandable way...

Aite... I think that's all...

Entry no.016 by Gaijin Sichirou a.k.a Aaron Tay

Building a road

"You can bring a horse to drink water, but you can't force it to drink. Even if you managed to force the horse to drink, it'll end up pretending to drink"

That's a quote my friend told me... It make sense in a way... Not everything you can force someone to do... What we can actually do is just give our best advice and let them make the decision themselves...

Alright... What I actually wanna write here is this... The road that 2 people are building... Going to a hill... That's what actually when you're in a relationship...

We started to build a road... Going to the top of a hill... Where we can see all the beautiful things that we like... No matter it's a beautiful night scenery overlooking a city or a plain grassland to lie down on it and look at the stars all night or a view where you can see a blanket of clouds that looks like an ocean and see the sun rise from behind the sea of clouds... We started building... Slowly... We met a few bumpy rides... But we managed to build a smooth road with both our efforts... After that, the road we build along the way was quite a smooth one... Not much bumpy rides... But then, we met a landslide along the way blocking the path... We tried... You tried... But instead of we trying to clear it... You left midway, rather than try to clear the landslide... You decided to give up and follow another path that's already build for you which you are not sure what you'll see coming in the road ahead or rather would you be happy with the road that's already build for you when you go down along the road... But I wanna ask... Would you really be happy down the line? In a few years time... When you look back at the road you've traveled... Would you think back and say "Hey, I don't want this... This is not what I really wanted... Although I'm happy that there's a road already build smooth for me to move on but... I don't feel happy bout it..." and start regretting? "I wanted a road that although I have to build for myself, and there may be bumpy rides along the way but I feel happy building it and I'm happy that I followed this..."

I'm not trying to persuade nor force anything here... I'm just writing this out of my feelings and what I've been thinking... Well... Just think bout it then... Would you be really happy bout it? I'm not just saying one person in particular... But anyone who's reading this... My friends and all the other people that's reading this now... If there are... So... People... Sit down for a moment... Think this through... I have been building my own road since my parents were divorced and although my dad did build for me one... I decided to build my own one... Although there's a lot of bumpy rides along the way and met obstacles along the way... But I'm happy bout it... That I'm not bound to something that's not exactly mine although it's build for me but not my own hands... Lately, I've met obstacles along the way and I'm stuck with it and actually gave up already... But someone made me realize that "Hey, I can do this... I just need to do it in another way...". So, I'm standing back up picking up pieces of me one by one and proceed in building this road as smoothly as I could... But honestly... I wanted the person that I loved the most would be building our roads together... Or maybe just support me and at the same time me doing the same for her in building our own road...

I'm practically done here... My friend's been bugging me cause I blog... Haha... He can't stand people blogging and I'm using his laptop... (Oops..)

Aite people... Ciauz...

Entry no.015 by Gaijin Sichirou a.k.a Aaron Tay

The deepest in me

It's been quite some time I've updated here... D girlfriend's making noise bout it already cause I didn't update anything here.. Can't help it cause I don't have a pc at home...

It's been a week now... i don't know whether to say I'm still attached or just single but unavailable? I'll still liked to say I'm attached though... Although.. We're sorta according to her, officially over.. Maybe I just don't know when to call it quits she might think... Cause seriously i don't wanna quit... More like I'm not quitting.. Who knows what might happen in future as my friend says it... Still I think that why give up so fast when your not really sure that in a relationship it'll hurt more? Why should we think the negative way instead of trying to make things work? That's just my opinion anyway...

I know she tried... really tried to make things work out between us... But I am trying too... Maybe we just didn't try hard enough? Just maybe... Or maybe it's just me that's not doing anything bout it... Seriously... I don't know.. Someone told me once... never try, never know... For what will happen exactly.. you can't be too sure that it'll be hurtful but yet you can't be sure of happy endings as well... But just give it a shot.. Who knows things might work out?

2 and a half months... Solid... Never really argued nor quarrel... Both always give in to each other... I just don't understand how could all this happen anyway... I'm totally clueless... "I'm tired of you... I'm not born perfect..."

That's what she said... I just wonder how you could get tired of someone you love? Someone that you'd share your life with... Plus.. Nobody's born perfect... Not even me... Not even the king in a country... Everyone has their weaknesses... For me, to love someone, is to accept everything bout the person you love, their advantages and even their weaknesses... i never actually complain bout the weaknesses, rather I actually try to comfort saying that "you could do better", "don't give up", "try harder" and stuff like that...

*sighs*
All I can actually do now is hold on to my faith... Hold back my tears and keep my sanity in check... And just there for her whenever she needs me or a shoulder to lean on... I'll have my "wings" around her... Well... In short, I'll be there... No matter what... Whether like how we used to be or the other way round... I really hate to think of the other though... Heh... Can't help it.. I'm just not the type to give up... Everyone that knows me well enough knows that I'm really stubborn when it comes to things like this... Some would say even if a metal bar try to whack through my stubbornness, the metal bar would bent... Haha...

I wanted to settle everything clearly with her mom... 3 of us, me, her and her mom sit down and just talk bout it and hopefully get her approval over it... Cause one, i don't want her mom to worry.. Two, i don't want her to lie to her mom anymore just to see me or hang out with me... Three, I don't want her to worry anymore...

I used to feel warmness whenever she texted me... But now I just feel coldness.. Cause I'm afraid of what she might say next... As now, my mind's a total mess... Can't keep my focus on things... Whether it's work or even doing anything... Although while working I had to and I tried to... Still at night... When I'm not doing anything... It'll all start messing up again... *sigh*

Baby this is to you...
I'm sorry bout all the things I've done, I'm sorry that I'm not what u always wanted me to be... But still I want you to know, I've always tried my best... I'm sorry for sometimes making you upset and disappointed with me... Seriously I've tried... and I'm still trying... I wish you could see what's inside of me now... I wish I could see what's inside of you too... Why that all this happen so suddenly? You said you tried to tell me before but why can't we just discuss it over rather than taking drastic measures like now? You say you don't wanna hurt me more, getting back to me is cause of sympathy... You don't want to make things worst between us... I understand all that but... Why do we have to go our separate ways? There's alot of things I wanted to tell you, wanted to prove to you... That I can be better... Stop doing whatever you want me to stop... But... *sigh*
I wish I could just hug you tight right now and just tell you all of this... Of what's kept inside of me... That you haven't know... I'm still not used to not texting you, not calling you at night, not wishing good morning or good night to you, not being there for you, not seeing you...
There's so many things I wanted to let you know of how much I love you...
You may think that me doing this is trying to beg of you to change your mind and come back to me... But please... Don't hate me for this... I just wanna let you know what's kept in my mind... During this period... When you decided to go separate ways...
Baby... There's too many things I wanted to say but I just don't know how to put it in words... I wish I could show you... Let you see it with your own eyes...
I wish we can just take a break from this rather than we go our own ways... I don't know the one week period you give me and yourself to consider... That you'd consider bout this... Think of a better way to solve this than trying to make me hate you... Cause I can't... I'm not made to hate people... Nor do you...
Baby, I... Love... You...
Always have, always will...

Aite, people... I don't think I have anything else to say anymore...
Ciauz...

Entry no.014 by Gaijin Sichirou a.k.a Aaron Tay